Harvard to Go Egalitarian

Cambridge, MA, April 1, 2014

In a move designed to foster diversity and to create a university which”thinks like America,” Dr. Drew Gilpin Faust, the President of Harvard University announced yesterday that the school will adopt egalitarian admissions. The faculty will no longer offer priority to students who have good scores, high SAT scores, and also remarkable extra-curricular pursuits. Such policies have, Dr. Faust acknowledged, created an”elitist” and”inegalitarian” atmosphere at the school. “It’s unacceptable in 2014 to be favoring the bright over the unlearned, and the lively over the slothful,” she hailed.

Beginning next year Harvard’s incoming class will probably have SAT scores which range from six to three hundred to create, for the first time, a really diverse professional class. The course’ scores will probably resemble the distribution of scores across the USA.

This assignment will extend past admissions:”Harvard is now devoted to fighting’thinkism” in all its guises. No longer will Professors grade students based upon how’well’ they think or write, or solve mathematics issues or speak French.” Rather, equity dictates that grades will be assigned by lot–such as elections in early Athens, the sole approach to make certain students who are”better prepared” for school or”better ” to read, write, and believe, won’t use their time at Harvard to perpetuate their educational and intellectual selves.

A press release declares that”Harvard is now devoted to serving the’otherwise intellectual’ and’otherwise learned’ or DIDL pupils” The notion that some are”brighter” than other people would be a bias that we need to conquer. The century, the era of Hope and Change, is the age of equality. Gone will be the days when understanding the distinction between”their” and”there,” or references to deceased White European males like Goethe or Marlowe were used to perpetuate privilege. There’s absolutely no reason to prefer an applicant who has been studying Shakespeare because he was ten over one who has watched every episode of”Sponge Bob” fifty days.

In this summer, the total Harvard faculty will be trained in relevance to demands of DIDL students. There is talk of a as yet undetermined, strategy for affirmative actions for”Low IQ Americans.” The Puritans who founded Harvard maintained that”there is no sin but ignorance.” But they also burned witches, Harvard said.

Unconfirmed rumors indicate that the move was motivated by the chance of a lawsuit on behalf of their DIDL community by the Department of Education. Facing a courtroom battle the University was planning to shed, Dr. Faust made a bargain with Arne Duncan, Secretary of Education…