Harvard to Go Egalitarian

In a move designed to foster diversity and to create a college that”thinks like America,” Dr. Drew Gilpin Faust, the President of Harvard University announced yesterday that the school will adopt egalitarian admissions. The school will no longer give priority for students with good grades, high SAT scores, and also impressive extra-curricular activities. Such policies include, Dr. Faust acknowledged, made an”elitist” and”inegalitarian” air at the college. “It’s unacceptable in 2014 to be favoring the bright over the ignorant, and the energetic across the slothful,” she hailed.
Starting next year Harvard’s incoming class will have SAT scores which range from six to two hundred to produce, for the very first time, a truly diverse freshman class. The class’ scores will resemble the distribution of scores across the USA.
This assignment will extend beyond admissions:”Harvard is currently devoted to combating’thinkism” in all its guises. No longer will Professors grade pupils based upon how’well’ they think or write, or solve math issues or speak French.” Rather, equity dictates that grades will be assigned by lot–such as elections in early Athens, the sole method to make certain that students who are”better prepared” for college or”better ” to read, write, and think, will not work with their time at Harvard to perpetuate their academic and intellectual privilege.
A press release declares that”Harvard is currently devoted to serving the’otherwise intellectual’ and’otherwise learned’ or DIDL students.” The idea that some are”more intelligent” than others is a prejudice that we need to overcome. The century, the age of Hope and Change, is the age of equality. There’s no reason to prefer an applicant who has been studying Shakespeare because he was ten over one who has watched each episode of”Sponge Bob” fifty days.
In this summer, the complete Harvard faculty will be trained in relevance to needs of DIDL pupils. There’s talk of an, as yet undetermined, program for affirmative actions for”Low IQ Americans.” Even the Puritans who founded Harvard held that”there is not any sin but ignorance.” But they also burned witches, Harvard said.
Unconfirmed rumors indicate that the move was prompted by the threat of a suit on behalf of this DIDL community from the Department of Education. Facing a court battle that the University was supposed to shed, Dr. Faust made a bargain with Arne Duncan, Secretary of Education…